Problem: My girlfriend does not want to meet my parents.

Solution: How exciting! It’s time to meet the parents. Or is it? When you are young, new to serious relationships, meeting the parents is another step showing the world this is the girl for you. There might even be talk of a marriage in your future. Or is there?

In adult relationships, “meeting the parents” takes on a myriad of pros and cons. Your girlfriend has been married or in a committed relationship before, raised her own children, and lived independently for several years. The thought of meeting the new boyfriend’s parents can stir up a lot of history that you haven’t heard, and never will. How did she get along with her own parents and previous in-laws? How many layers of in-laws were there? Do you have the time or desire to listen to her talk of previous relationships? Does she want to share?

What have you shared about your past with her? Has she quietly sat and listened as you complained about your over-bearing mother, your distant father, and jealousy of your siblings? Has she witnessed your rants after you get off a phone call from dear old mom? Or shared glowing reports of your idyllic childhood making her realize what different worlds you come from?

Why bother? The relationship is working just fine as it is today. Why add more drama? Travel, expense, sleeping arrangements, loss of control of your own time, the need to be civil to strangers whom she has already formed an opinion, all create more discomfort than your girlfriend wants to deal with at this stage in her life. She’s an adult. She chooses to not place herself in a situation where she will be judged by others. Let it be.

Nevertheless, the holidays are approaching and your parents want the whole family together. Is it time to say no to the parent bond and strike out on your own? It is nice when everyone can get together, but as we age and live further apart that becomes more cumbersome. Sit this one out. Tell your parents you look forward to seeing them next time. Create your own tradition. Stay home with your girlfriend and enjoy the holidays in your style.

I Deserve It – Do you really?

I cringe when I hear someone say, “I deserve it.” Now, the marketing industry via advertising is capitalizing on the entitlement generation’s belief that they deserve whatever they want. “You deserve this new phone” they tout. Websites agree you deserve it at www.youdeserveacar.com and www.ideserveacar.com. But do you really?

I deserve this doughnut – because I’m tired and hungry. Even though, I love how doughnuts are so easy to eat and take away that empty feeling, I never deserve one, or two. My diabetic nutritionist reminds me of that fact.

I deserve a smart phone with all the perks. That would be great, but I can’t justify the expense. I feel lucky to have texting ability so I can chat with my grandchildren. My attempts to encourage the ancient ritual of letter writing sent through the mail has failed. They are missing the anticipation of waiting for a letter, followed by the excitement of opening one. So much better than the ping announcing a new text.

I deserve to be happy. That’s the explanation a 19-year-old mother of two gave for why she abandoned her young children to move to a different country with her new husband (he doesn’t like children). Having your first baby at age 15, followed by another at age 18, does put a weight on happiness, if you think happiness is freedom. Parenting is demanding at any age, especially if you have not surrounded yourself with supportive friends and family. Many agencies exist to help such a parent. She did not do the work of locating and accepting such help. It was easier to leave. Unfortunately, her 18-month-old never understood why mommy left him. He has physical and mental health problems. Some of those could be connected to the lack of prenatal care the mother implemented while pregnant. That too was available to her – free of charge.

We could put the blame on the school system for not teaching history correctly. In the United States, our forefathers, actually Thomas Jefferson, wrote the U.S. Declaration of Independence and included a line about the pursuit of happiness. A quick reference to Wikipedia lists the particular quote as, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Translate that to today’s terms, you have the right to pursue a happy life. You don’t deserve it. There is some work involved. Get a job. Take the responsibility of children you create by providing them a safe home, food, clothing and an education. 

What do you deserve? You deserve it to yourself to get your act together. Work on that. Visit your local library. Read books on how to achieve better personal health, then read some about general psychology. You have the ability to live a better, happier life. You just have to put in the time to achieve it. No one can hand it to you. Happiness will come when you feel secure about your place in life.